sure of themselves
fiction
edward w pritchard
Perhaps it was G Bernard Shaw who said "they were as sure of themselves as boys who were confident of their next meal"or maybe Dickens. Shaw had a long white beard when he died and like Dickens had a lot to say about everything.
This younger generation sure is sure of themselves about everything. Someday their gonna be rich; their 401 K goes up everyday. They can walk and be mesmerized by their self phone at the same time, they don't care a lick about the history of ancient Assyria, and they would rather live together than get married-even the girls.
Once in a while one of them will hold the door for me at the convenience store and call me sir. I don't have a long white beard.
Friday, October 25, 2019
Sunday, October 20, 2019
do this
do this
fiction
edward w pritchard
Let's get rid of republicans and democrats
split up all the money between us
and march off after to our graves
leaving the mess to the grandchildren
to fix with help from the thinking machines
or start over without cursing
wondering where the buffalo have gone
listening to vanishing train whistles in the dark night of the soul
fiction
edward w pritchard
Let's get rid of republicans and democrats
split up all the money between us
and march off after to our graves
leaving the mess to the grandchildren
to fix with help from the thinking machines
or start over without cursing
wondering where the buffalo have gone
listening to vanishing train whistles in the dark night of the soul
but now when I write about it
but now when I write about it
fiction
edward w pritchard
Once I heard the voice of an angel in modesty sung in whisper
the words are forgotten
vanished on the wind
as angels are extinct
never real
but now when I write about it
would that echo is real
fiction
edward w pritchard
Once I heard the voice of an angel in modesty sung in whisper
the words are forgotten
vanished on the wind
as angels are extinct
never real
but now when I write about it
would that echo is real
Saturday, October 19, 2019
the fix is on
the fix is on
fiction
edward w pritchard
It's so crowded here in our near future and everyone and their vehicle is monitored all the time as to their personal habits, leisure activities and personal coordinates by the economic police state for the purpose of imposing fines and owed restitution's. As example there are 229 misdemeanors for carnal activities here in the new Rome which is the state you once called Ohio of the United States which is now one of 600 mega towns here in the Western Hemisphere which was previously known as Canada, the good old USA and Mexico. Girl do I miss the authentic food of old Mexico.
Downtown on a steamy Friday night at the Bar and grille formerly known as Tangiers I am fighting my way through a long long series of twisting dark hall ways and corridors to reserved table 1689
where I have an appointment to make a little extra dinero sitting in on a fixed session of scratching off State lottery tickets. A guy called Louie is my contact. First though I have to squeeze my way about these ladies of the night dressed in their skin tight frocks as I shove my way to my seat. These purple gloves I wear for eleven more days identify me as someone who put my hands on some young miss in another dark hall way a few months ago on another steamy Friday night and I am paying the fines and lawyer fees still for breaking carnal activity 71.
My biggest fear tonight is the Medical cops. They nail you randomly and check that you have all your life extending medical tests up to date and they get a commission if you get fined for a health and wellness omission or violation.
Louie is talking very fast and I listen carefully and write neatly as I over and over jot down the magic numbers-new Rome, drawing 1207755, 6-73-44-11-66-77-80-5-6-22-47,booster x 10. Someone's personal identity monitoring system is beeping over and over somewhere off in the dark night and a muffled grin fills the smokey cafe.
fiction
edward w pritchard
It's so crowded here in our near future and everyone and their vehicle is monitored all the time as to their personal habits, leisure activities and personal coordinates by the economic police state for the purpose of imposing fines and owed restitution's. As example there are 229 misdemeanors for carnal activities here in the new Rome which is the state you once called Ohio of the United States which is now one of 600 mega towns here in the Western Hemisphere which was previously known as Canada, the good old USA and Mexico. Girl do I miss the authentic food of old Mexico.
Downtown on a steamy Friday night at the Bar and grille formerly known as Tangiers I am fighting my way through a long long series of twisting dark hall ways and corridors to reserved table 1689
where I have an appointment to make a little extra dinero sitting in on a fixed session of scratching off State lottery tickets. A guy called Louie is my contact. First though I have to squeeze my way about these ladies of the night dressed in their skin tight frocks as I shove my way to my seat. These purple gloves I wear for eleven more days identify me as someone who put my hands on some young miss in another dark hall way a few months ago on another steamy Friday night and I am paying the fines and lawyer fees still for breaking carnal activity 71.
My biggest fear tonight is the Medical cops. They nail you randomly and check that you have all your life extending medical tests up to date and they get a commission if you get fined for a health and wellness omission or violation.
Louie is talking very fast and I listen carefully and write neatly as I over and over jot down the magic numbers-new Rome, drawing 1207755, 6-73-44-11-66-77-80-5-6-22-47,booster x 10. Someone's personal identity monitoring system is beeping over and over somewhere off in the dark night and a muffled grin fills the smokey cafe.
Saturday, September 28, 2019
advice from Marcus
Advice from Marcus
fiction
edward w pritchard
Tonight I am listening to the beatitudes and reading Marcus Aurelius to make myself a better person. I understand the message of the virtue in what they say and admire the simple beauty of their advice.
However some times the behavior we exhibit does not measure up to the good advice we have received and understood.
Somewhere inside we have certain impulses that trip us up.
Here is what I wrote before on one of our vices, that of impulse.
fiction
edward w pritchard
Tonight I am listening to the beatitudes and reading Marcus Aurelius to make myself a better person. I understand the message of the virtue in what they say and admire the simple beauty of their advice.
However some times the behavior we exhibit does not measure up to the good advice we have received and understood.
Somewhere inside we have certain impulses that trip us up.
Here is what I wrote before on one of our vices, that of impulse.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2011
pink car, pink seats, pink poodle
pink car, pink seats, pink poodle
fiction
edward w pritchard
Pink car, pink seats, pink poodle. The car was named champion, the plates said fox, and the oversized French poodle was named fee-fee. Lavony wore pink suits and had pink streaks in her hair.
Even after what she did to me I couldn't bring myself to hurt her car. I did shoot her dog. Just one shot. Not in the car. I think Lavony suspected me because I never did like her dog fee-fee.
I saw Lavony driving around the neighborhood later with another dog. I didn't catch it's name.
fiction
edward w pritchard
Pink car, pink seats, pink poodle. The car was named champion, the plates said fox, and the oversized French poodle was named fee-fee. Lavony wore pink suits and had pink streaks in her hair.
Even after what she did to me I couldn't bring myself to hurt her car. I did shoot her dog. Just one shot. Not in the car. I think Lavony suspected me because I never did like her dog fee-fee.
I saw Lavony driving around the neighborhood later with another dog. I didn't catch it's name.
Friday, September 27, 2019
human history in a nutshell
human history in a nutshell
fiction
edward w pritchard
The boy sat on the barn watching the sunset and dreamed of running barbarians flanking the phalanx to get to the women hiding in haylofts of barns before they were burnt.
The girl played with an electronic barbie doll that taught her 14 languages so she could be a more compassionate Doctor or nurse.
The Mother worked the Father worried.
The People schemed and voted for old Men.
The old Men sat on the barn watching the sunset and dreamt of running barbarians flanking the phalanx to get to the women hiding in haylofts of barns before they were burnt.
The Earth over heated the animals vanished the Sky cried.
fiction
edward w pritchard
The boy sat on the barn watching the sunset and dreamed of running barbarians flanking the phalanx to get to the women hiding in haylofts of barns before they were burnt.
The girl played with an electronic barbie doll that taught her 14 languages so she could be a more compassionate Doctor or nurse.
The Mother worked the Father worried.
The People schemed and voted for old Men.
The old Men sat on the barn watching the sunset and dreamt of running barbarians flanking the phalanx to get to the women hiding in haylofts of barns before they were burnt.
The Earth over heated the animals vanished the Sky cried.
Thursday, September 26, 2019
answer Jesus
answer Jesus
fiction
edward w pritchard
Scientists assuredly tell me that early most distant mega galaxies are moving away from me faster than the speed of light expanding or escaping into nothingness. It's a known fact that can be proven mathematically or mentioned by Hubble. Please answer me Jesus. Did you know that fact of the expanding universe when you stood on a hill and proclaimed the sermon on the mount? The translation I read once didn't mention it. Perhaps it is meaningful.
I am not calling on you to talk about distant mega galaxies. I wanted to ask if you had met a man from ancient Gadara named Menippus the famous cynic. Scholars now are trying to link your sermon on the mount to some of the cynic philosophies prevalent in the Roman town of Gadara not all that far from Nazareth. I'll try to post a picture of Menippus as imagined how he might have looked by Velazquez the painter soon if I can master the technology of a picture in a post which I have forgotten how to do because of my age.
One thing more Jesus those pesky Romans sure had their hands in everything back in your day. Anyway I know its a stretch but I was curious if Menippus of Gadara might be the fixer and arranger guy who worked for you in your travels and mentioned in my story " Jesus the most dangerous man in History"? It's posted below.
fiction
edward w pritchard
Scientists assuredly tell me that early most distant mega galaxies are moving away from me faster than the speed of light expanding or escaping into nothingness. It's a known fact that can be proven mathematically or mentioned by Hubble. Please answer me Jesus. Did you know that fact of the expanding universe when you stood on a hill and proclaimed the sermon on the mount? The translation I read once didn't mention it. Perhaps it is meaningful.
I am not calling on you to talk about distant mega galaxies. I wanted to ask if you had met a man from ancient Gadara named Menippus the famous cynic. Scholars now are trying to link your sermon on the mount to some of the cynic philosophies prevalent in the Roman town of Gadara not all that far from Nazareth. I'll try to post a picture of Menippus as imagined how he might have looked by Velazquez the painter soon if I can master the technology of a picture in a post which I have forgotten how to do because of my age.
One thing more Jesus those pesky Romans sure had their hands in everything back in your day. Anyway I know its a stretch but I was curious if Menippus of Gadara might be the fixer and arranger guy who worked for you in your travels and mentioned in my story " Jesus the most dangerous man in History"? It's posted below.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2010
Jesus the Most Dangerous Man in History
Jesus the Most Dangerous Man in History
fiction
edward w pritchard
Being near Jesus was dangerous and lethal to one's past affiliations. When Jesus lead us to a new town, women would often take their families and go into the hills for up to a week to keep husband's and children from his jeopardous influence. In time an element of peril surrounded us, Jesus' followers, for just being near him. Later we were the one's staying in the hills, and places obscure and hidden, for we were forbidden to enter towns, business areas and churches. However despite incredible hardships we were blissfully happy and even obscurity could not stifle Jesus' message which convulsed to be revealed.
Jesus presence had became mesmerizing. When we heard the message of profound truth he taught we only wanted to be near him, abolish our sinful ways and full fill and experience the destiny he promised us. More than one who met him or even heard of him would abandon a faithful wife, or son and daughter, or Father and Mother in hope of following him about or just doing one deed or small kindness to make his life easier, if only for a moment.
I traveled with Jesus for several years before he recruited the disciples but was forced to leave the group because I was a link to his past, a past which he had forsaken as the power of his message burst from his body. I had been an early friend, arranger, and bodyguard and assisted Jesus as he prayed, studied and meditated. As the aura developed around him day to day I began to taste a fear in the air, the fear of disruption and destruction to every day concerns and matters. Matters such as carrying money, clothes and personal items became unimportant to Jesus and he bid us to abandon any type of planning as we traveled and trust in things working out without any preparation. We traveled in to unfamiliar towns throughout Judea with no contingencies. My job as arranger was dissolving before my eyes and incredibly the multitudes of followers took Jesus literally and many traveled in fact as wandering beggars but with complete faith and became a community of believers of his word. Jesus walked and we followed. He planned only for the next day but continued to allow me to go on with my duties as arranger for the time being.
Jesus was always an incredible judge of character and could instantly dig out the hidden obscure motivations of others often with only a glance. Initially however, I would go into a town first, with money and smooth the way for Jesus' entrance. I would meet people, arrange places for us to stay and make plans so we could avoid breaking any Roman local rules and ordinances or upsetting the Jewish hierarchy. I was loyal to Jesus, but eventually even I out of concern for his safety and those of the faithful followers had to say something about the effects on every day concerns the brutal honesty of his message was causing. The more I fought with myself to stay grounded in everyday matters of business and commerce the further I was driving myself from the bliss of Jesus' community of followers.
If I had to give an example that a modern reader could understand I would say to imagine if a prophet walked from town to town In America in 1968 and gave LSD to every man woman and child over age 16 who wasn't satisfied with his spiritual situation. Jesus wanted to awaken those who were not content, not full of conformity, and not comfortable with their skin and their situation. Then imagine if those malcontents began to spread the word that a teacher was coming who could show a brighter day, had the answers to the meaning of all things and would lead the awakened. Then imagine if Jesus in 1968 had urged those to give up their money, jobs, family, health insurance, extra clothes and shaving and make-up kits and walk with him. Often then he would disappear with a few favorites to think and evolve and then return to us and share greater growing insights against the thoughts and beliefs that we had been raised on and were the foundations of our everyday lives. Then imagine if those malcontents began to become perfectly at peace with themselves, selfless, and approached the world with love, joy, peace and goodwill towards all, even their enemies.
Eventually as I returned to Jesus after leaving him to arrange the affairs in the next town we were to enter I would be shocked by his appearance, especially the hollow timeless eyes. He would be sitting alone, deep in thought refusing food or water and then after a while began to speak. Whatever one was doing became unimportant and the focus would be on the hidden meaning of his words and Jesus would birth ideas and concepts that were earth shaking. Later when I would try to logically fit Jesus' profound teachings into my belief system I would become afraid for us. Because his message was disturbing, revolutionary, and absolutely and perfectly anti-establishment I often wanted to silence Jesus out of fear for his safety. There were Romans everywhere and they were formidable and they controlled our world. The followers of Jesus became blind to the reality of the Romans however and bathed in the message; I however fought that bath, and drove myself from my friend Jesus, and was left behind, and could not walk with him any longer.
In a small village , after a very long walk Jesus was sitting in a chair exhausted, for he had been refusing water during the trip. A woman came in, just an ordinary woman, who none of us knew and she poured an expensive ointment on his head from the Country of India, said to refresh and revitalize. Jesus was grateful and blessed the woman. Later It took me several hours to soothe the irate Husband, whose wife had spent over two years of their savings on the potion. The husband was convinced the wife had gone mad and was threatening to complain to the Romans. This was unthinkable for Roman justice was brutal and swift and the woman, the husband and Jesus would be in grave danger. The Romans were only afraid of two things and that was disorder and chaos and they dealt violently with threats of either. Miraculously I shielded Jesus from himself until he began to recruit the disciples and heal the malcontent-ed, and until it became humanly impossible to stop confrontation with civil authority.
We were walking along an inland sea and Jesus had just recruited two new followers. Jesus knew I was upset because I knew nothing of the men, had not checked them out in advance, as was customary and Jesus had called them in a flamboyant public way which only a year ago he had cautioned against. Jesus was talking very fast to me in private and was convinced that the new man Simon [ later called Peter] would be a key member of the group who could spread the word and message beyond Judea and into the future. I tried to believe but I saw only a humble fisherman, and one with a sour temper. Fortunately no one objected to those two men leaving their boat. They just jumped off the boat and left. They didn't say good bye and they didn't explain to anyone. I often had told Jesus that this type of showmanship would upset the Romans because the recruits creditors and obligates would complain. Jesus however had taken to answering me in parables that made sense when we talked but later left me holding a handful of water when it came to practical ways to avoid the civil authority.
Jesus and I fell out however over the recruitment of James and John good son's of Zebedee a fisherman also. We were walking past their boat, in a very public place with the usual multitudes and Jesus called both James and John and they just came with us. The Father was a good man, and although he employed other fisherman was devastated by the loss of his sons who he had trained and nurtured to carry on his business. The Father also was not a bad spiritual man, he followed the laws of his people. I found later he helped the poor and unfortunate; and as I later brought up to Jesus as him and I argued over the matter Zebedee feared and respected God. The crowds saw this happen and to them such drama was becoming narcotic and they craved miracles, showmanship and razz ma taz.
Jesus was alone and it was 1AM when I was able to see him. He was in a small tent, the kind goat herders use and was sitting delicately on a light chair. Jesus looked frail and had a feminine element to himself that day that frightened me more than our problems with the Romans. I had known Jesus back in Nazareth and had often punched and jostled at him and he was robust and strong. As Carpenter, I often saw Jesus carry heavy logs of wood with ease. Now the aura of death surrounded him, especially at night. I knew he slept poorly and had troubled dreams but his presence to me seemed to spread fear, and potential disaster and I could taste the destruction that surrounded him.
We argued for a few minutes and I told Jesus I couldn't do it any more. Jesus hugged me and bid me follow my own heart, told me he always loved me, and promised I could always come back to the community. I broke the bond between us. No goodbyes to my friends of several years and I had nothing to carry with me anyway so I headed East away from the direction Jesus was going tomorrow and sought to reclaim my life. Now it was my turn to fore sake my past for I had been one of the first to experience the perfect joy of Jesus presence and I was forsaking it.
A few weeks later I heard through my contacts that Jesus had recruited a tax collector for the Romans to be his chief scribe. Levi known as Matthew. Matthew had left his coins on the table where he worked and just walked off the job. Nothing could be better orchestrated to upset and infuriate the Romans.
Every night now my dreams are alive with the presence of Jesus' death and I fear and tremble for him out of the love I still have for him. Nothing seems real any more but the comfort of the message of Jesus is gone. It all seems like a mirage. The Romans however are every where I look. I can't believe we were able to avoid them these last 18 months because they are easily angered. Everything I believed is gone and I have lost my faith. I never feared death, it is always at hand in our times however, something seems missing. As I face the future I sometimes hope that the new scribe Matthew will be able to write down for others who come later what I could not hold in my mind of Jesus' message. I often pray that others once they experience the bliss of Jesus and his Father's kingdom to come do not backslide like I did because of business concerns but remain faithful to the message and not brood, worry and persecute and strangle themselves with tomorrows disquietations.
fiction
edward w pritchard
Being near Jesus was dangerous and lethal to one's past affiliations. When Jesus lead us to a new town, women would often take their families and go into the hills for up to a week to keep husband's and children from his jeopardous influence. In time an element of peril surrounded us, Jesus' followers, for just being near him. Later we were the one's staying in the hills, and places obscure and hidden, for we were forbidden to enter towns, business areas and churches. However despite incredible hardships we were blissfully happy and even obscurity could not stifle Jesus' message which convulsed to be revealed.
Jesus presence had became mesmerizing. When we heard the message of profound truth he taught we only wanted to be near him, abolish our sinful ways and full fill and experience the destiny he promised us. More than one who met him or even heard of him would abandon a faithful wife, or son and daughter, or Father and Mother in hope of following him about or just doing one deed or small kindness to make his life easier, if only for a moment.
I traveled with Jesus for several years before he recruited the disciples but was forced to leave the group because I was a link to his past, a past which he had forsaken as the power of his message burst from his body. I had been an early friend, arranger, and bodyguard and assisted Jesus as he prayed, studied and meditated. As the aura developed around him day to day I began to taste a fear in the air, the fear of disruption and destruction to every day concerns and matters. Matters such as carrying money, clothes and personal items became unimportant to Jesus and he bid us to abandon any type of planning as we traveled and trust in things working out without any preparation. We traveled in to unfamiliar towns throughout Judea with no contingencies. My job as arranger was dissolving before my eyes and incredibly the multitudes of followers took Jesus literally and many traveled in fact as wandering beggars but with complete faith and became a community of believers of his word. Jesus walked and we followed. He planned only for the next day but continued to allow me to go on with my duties as arranger for the time being.
Jesus was always an incredible judge of character and could instantly dig out the hidden obscure motivations of others often with only a glance. Initially however, I would go into a town first, with money and smooth the way for Jesus' entrance. I would meet people, arrange places for us to stay and make plans so we could avoid breaking any Roman local rules and ordinances or upsetting the Jewish hierarchy. I was loyal to Jesus, but eventually even I out of concern for his safety and those of the faithful followers had to say something about the effects on every day concerns the brutal honesty of his message was causing. The more I fought with myself to stay grounded in everyday matters of business and commerce the further I was driving myself from the bliss of Jesus' community of followers.
If I had to give an example that a modern reader could understand I would say to imagine if a prophet walked from town to town In America in 1968 and gave LSD to every man woman and child over age 16 who wasn't satisfied with his spiritual situation. Jesus wanted to awaken those who were not content, not full of conformity, and not comfortable with their skin and their situation. Then imagine if those malcontents began to spread the word that a teacher was coming who could show a brighter day, had the answers to the meaning of all things and would lead the awakened. Then imagine if Jesus in 1968 had urged those to give up their money, jobs, family, health insurance, extra clothes and shaving and make-up kits and walk with him. Often then he would disappear with a few favorites to think and evolve and then return to us and share greater growing insights against the thoughts and beliefs that we had been raised on and were the foundations of our everyday lives. Then imagine if those malcontents began to become perfectly at peace with themselves, selfless, and approached the world with love, joy, peace and goodwill towards all, even their enemies.
Eventually as I returned to Jesus after leaving him to arrange the affairs in the next town we were to enter I would be shocked by his appearance, especially the hollow timeless eyes. He would be sitting alone, deep in thought refusing food or water and then after a while began to speak. Whatever one was doing became unimportant and the focus would be on the hidden meaning of his words and Jesus would birth ideas and concepts that were earth shaking. Later when I would try to logically fit Jesus' profound teachings into my belief system I would become afraid for us. Because his message was disturbing, revolutionary, and absolutely and perfectly anti-establishment I often wanted to silence Jesus out of fear for his safety. There were Romans everywhere and they were formidable and they controlled our world. The followers of Jesus became blind to the reality of the Romans however and bathed in the message; I however fought that bath, and drove myself from my friend Jesus, and was left behind, and could not walk with him any longer.
In a small village , after a very long walk Jesus was sitting in a chair exhausted, for he had been refusing water during the trip. A woman came in, just an ordinary woman, who none of us knew and she poured an expensive ointment on his head from the Country of India, said to refresh and revitalize. Jesus was grateful and blessed the woman. Later It took me several hours to soothe the irate Husband, whose wife had spent over two years of their savings on the potion. The husband was convinced the wife had gone mad and was threatening to complain to the Romans. This was unthinkable for Roman justice was brutal and swift and the woman, the husband and Jesus would be in grave danger. The Romans were only afraid of two things and that was disorder and chaos and they dealt violently with threats of either. Miraculously I shielded Jesus from himself until he began to recruit the disciples and heal the malcontent-ed, and until it became humanly impossible to stop confrontation with civil authority.
We were walking along an inland sea and Jesus had just recruited two new followers. Jesus knew I was upset because I knew nothing of the men, had not checked them out in advance, as was customary and Jesus had called them in a flamboyant public way which only a year ago he had cautioned against. Jesus was talking very fast to me in private and was convinced that the new man Simon [ later called Peter] would be a key member of the group who could spread the word and message beyond Judea and into the future. I tried to believe but I saw only a humble fisherman, and one with a sour temper. Fortunately no one objected to those two men leaving their boat. They just jumped off the boat and left. They didn't say good bye and they didn't explain to anyone. I often had told Jesus that this type of showmanship would upset the Romans because the recruits creditors and obligates would complain. Jesus however had taken to answering me in parables that made sense when we talked but later left me holding a handful of water when it came to practical ways to avoid the civil authority.
Jesus and I fell out however over the recruitment of James and John good son's of Zebedee a fisherman also. We were walking past their boat, in a very public place with the usual multitudes and Jesus called both James and John and they just came with us. The Father was a good man, and although he employed other fisherman was devastated by the loss of his sons who he had trained and nurtured to carry on his business. The Father also was not a bad spiritual man, he followed the laws of his people. I found later he helped the poor and unfortunate; and as I later brought up to Jesus as him and I argued over the matter Zebedee feared and respected God. The crowds saw this happen and to them such drama was becoming narcotic and they craved miracles, showmanship and razz ma taz.
Jesus was alone and it was 1AM when I was able to see him. He was in a small tent, the kind goat herders use and was sitting delicately on a light chair. Jesus looked frail and had a feminine element to himself that day that frightened me more than our problems with the Romans. I had known Jesus back in Nazareth and had often punched and jostled at him and he was robust and strong. As Carpenter, I often saw Jesus carry heavy logs of wood with ease. Now the aura of death surrounded him, especially at night. I knew he slept poorly and had troubled dreams but his presence to me seemed to spread fear, and potential disaster and I could taste the destruction that surrounded him.
We argued for a few minutes and I told Jesus I couldn't do it any more. Jesus hugged me and bid me follow my own heart, told me he always loved me, and promised I could always come back to the community. I broke the bond between us. No goodbyes to my friends of several years and I had nothing to carry with me anyway so I headed East away from the direction Jesus was going tomorrow and sought to reclaim my life. Now it was my turn to fore sake my past for I had been one of the first to experience the perfect joy of Jesus presence and I was forsaking it.
A few weeks later I heard through my contacts that Jesus had recruited a tax collector for the Romans to be his chief scribe. Levi known as Matthew. Matthew had left his coins on the table where he worked and just walked off the job. Nothing could be better orchestrated to upset and infuriate the Romans.
Every night now my dreams are alive with the presence of Jesus' death and I fear and tremble for him out of the love I still have for him. Nothing seems real any more but the comfort of the message of Jesus is gone. It all seems like a mirage. The Romans however are every where I look. I can't believe we were able to avoid them these last 18 months because they are easily angered. Everything I believed is gone and I have lost my faith. I never feared death, it is always at hand in our times however, something seems missing. As I face the future I sometimes hope that the new scribe Matthew will be able to write down for others who come later what I could not hold in my mind of Jesus' message. I often pray that others once they experience the bliss of Jesus and his Father's kingdom to come do not backslide like I did because of business concerns but remain faithful to the message and not brood, worry and persecute and strangle themselves with tomorrows disquietations.
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